This trip never gets any easier no matter what direction I’m heading. I think I’m pretty much used to the security lines and searches, the attitudes of the employees and the pushy Asians boarding planes. However, I am not used to the cramped seats that are too close for comfort, non-working TV screens, and the draining 20 hours to Asia.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything down simply because I am still trying to sort through many emotions that constantly block my thoughts. These emotions come paired with pictures that regularly flash though my mind. The pictures are of a beautiful woman having drinks on a beach with her friends, laughing, chatting about her kids and her job and blowing through two or three bloody Mary’s during one of her stories.
September 16,2012 is a date that I would like to skip. Before, this date was saved for one of my best friend’s birthdays. Now, it will be forever tainted with the still vivid sounds of my Skype phone ringing on my computer on that early school day.
A day that started with a little extra time before heading to school that I had save to get on Facebook and wish Kayla a happy and healthy 25th birthday. Unfortunately, I never made it past the opening page where my Skype phone was lighting up with several missed phone calls and an incoming call from Dallas.
A day that started with a little extra time before heading to school that I had save to get on Facebook and wish Kayla a happy and healthy 25th birthday. Unfortunately, I never made it past the opening page where my Skype phone was lighting up with several missed phone calls and an incoming call from Dallas.
Blissfully unaware of any impending news, I answered to hear my dad’s voice and my mom trying to stifle her cries in the background. The news of Char’s passing sent me to a place of confusion and silence. To be honest, I don’t remember the following days, weeks, or month between then and my flight back to Dallas for the first time since I had set foot in Bangkok. It was all such a daze.
I struggled with being so far away from home and I struggled knowing my mom was going through this alone. A friend of more than 20 years, a friend that knew her deepest wishes and secrets, and a friend that she lovingly called her sister and held her close during pictures, passes away without so much as a wave. I struggled knowing my mom was alone. We all struggled to understand and even a month shy of her one year anniversary, we still don’t.
I struggled with being so far away from home and I struggled knowing my mom was going through this alone. A friend of more than 20 years, a friend that knew her deepest wishes and secrets, and a friend that she lovingly called her sister and held her close during pictures, passes away without so much as a wave. I struggled knowing my mom was alone. We all struggled to understand and even a month shy of her one year anniversary, we still don’t.
Our beautiful Char. You’re boys are changed forever. Their lives will never be the same. You’re siblings are lost and confused. You’re friend’s hearts have wounds that will never be mended. We all have regret. We regret not telling you one more time how much we loved you and how much we cared and how much you have impacted our lives. We regret that we didn’t take one last picture. We regret that we didn’t know of the pain that you felt in your life.
We miss you.
We miss you.
Hearing my mother quietly cry to herself looking at pictures that usually make her smile is sad. Watching her scroll through her phone rereading your last texts and shaking her head in absolute confusion is frustrating. Laying awake at night, unable to sleep thinking of your boys and knowing they’re probably doing the same thing is totally unfair.
We miss you.
We miss you.
I am so thankful every day for my dearest Andrew. He is the sole reason I have made it as far as I have, emotionally. Because of Andrew, I have been fortunate enough to be a part of a social circle of other foreigners that showed what wonderful and caring people they are. Thank you, Eilat Shoshani. Although we lead different lives, we are different ages, and there is quite the height difference, you are by far the most beautiful, kind, warm, and selfless woman I have ever met. You radiate love for your family and your passion for art shows through more than just your self-designed jewelry.
You have the talent I could kill for. You have the intelligence that I could only hope to acquire and you are truly a woman that I hope to be one day.
You have the talent I could kill for. You have the intelligence that I could only hope to acquire and you are truly a woman that I hope to be one day.
Thank you to my Thai Family: Elle, Bang, and Nui. You all are and as I have always said “my angels in Bangkok”. My wonderful and understanding employers and coworkers that picked up my slack while I was away.
Thank you, Omid. Although you were unaware of how to help me or how to talk to me, you did what you could to keep me standing. You encouraged more phone calls home, and you encouraged me to be there for my mom like Char would have been. Bangkok isn’t an easy place as we both know. It is designed to at times, hold you back in very odd ways, but thankfully any barrier that was put in front of me, you selflessly removed.
Being home for two months was refreshing. My love and hate relationship with Thailand turned to peace when I got back in January. Two years on September 1. Two years of living in Thailand. The last place on earth where I thought I would end up. Not to mention, the fact that I’ve stayed longer than 6 months. Here I am, two years later, recounting the past year using up some pages in my Persian handwriting book.
I promised an original blog follower (Liz Abel), that I would have something written before I left. Sorry Liz, I didn’t have it done but the last day crept up on me faster than I thought.
My first blog had a good run, but I decided to take down towards the middle of march as I hadn’t added to it and I needed something significant to get me writing again.
My first blog had a good run, but I decided to take down towards the middle of march as I hadn’t added to it and I needed something significant to get me writing again.
I guess the most significant thing would be my two year anniversary in Bangkok, and the one year anniversary of Char. Between all of that, my two trips home and one of my best friends walking down the aisle.
I took the first summer session away from since I was asked to be a bridesmaid. If I am half as blessed as Kim was with the way the events of her wedding turned out, I will be happy. She looked stunning as did her husband and she deserves all of that and more.
I took the first summer session away from since I was asked to be a bridesmaid. If I am half as blessed as Kim was with the way the events of her wedding turned out, I will be happy. She looked stunning as did her husband and she deserves all of that and more.
Since I am embarking on an extended trip, many have asked, “what’s next?”
That, my friends, is the million dollar question. My million dollar answer has been and continues to be “I don’t know”. As profound as that statement is, “is there anything wrong with that answer?”
That, my friends, is the million dollar question. My million dollar answer has been and continues to be “I don’t know”. As profound as that statement is, “is there anything wrong with that answer?”
Honestly, when it comes to being comfortable with my answer is entirely different. Although it may not seem like it after quitting a full time job to hop a plane to Thailand, I like to have a plan for myself and future. It worries me that at this point I feel a bit stuck. Being stuck isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you are doing what it takes to get yourself unstuck.
For the past year, perhaps a little longer I have been learning Farsi. I have come a long way in my reading and writing and general understanding of the language. I have been fortunate to have the help of a great Tehranian tutor whom patiently showed me the beginnings of learning the alphabet to blending each sound phonetically to spelling words. The Persian script is beautiful, but there are many different ways to write it, therefore, learning the different forms is a challenge for a non-native speaker.
For the past year, perhaps a little longer I have been learning Farsi. I have come a long way in my reading and writing and general understanding of the language. I have been fortunate to have the help of a great Tehranian tutor whom patiently showed me the beginnings of learning the alphabet to blending each sound phonetically to spelling words. The Persian script is beautiful, but there are many different ways to write it, therefore, learning the different forms is a challenge for a non-native speaker.
My next goal is to complete a degree and/or translation certification. I have truly fallen in love with this language because I have fallen in love with the people that speak the language and the culture that influences the language. The Persian people have a rich culture that been accessed by very little percentage of Westerners which attracts me to a world that seems untouchable or forbidden.
The road to this goal hasn’t been as easy, but I know I can continue to push though until I reach it.
